Category: Domestic violence

I will now continue my saga with the “raging moped.” After some time in the hospital emergency room, we departed, and I pleaded to continue our plans.  Additionally, a cherished necklace from Charles was destroyed in the accident. I returned to the scene to try and find the missing pieces, but the damage to the necklace was too extensive to retrieve.

That moment with my dear son is one which I wish I could have encapsulated and kept with me for the duration of my life. Never, had he possessed such empathy for me, as during that accident. Chris continued to plead with me to return to our cabin rental, but the time with him was incredibly priceless and I didn’t wish to be a deterrent to our plans

I continued to be “in a fog” from all that had occurred in such a short expanse of time, but my greatest anxiety was to continue our family outing. It wasn’t until we arrived at the restaurant and placed our order that for the first time in the past several hours, I realized the impact of my accident. As I walked into the ladies’ room, I was astounded. When I flew over the handlebars of the scooter, my face was dragged along the pavement. From the top of my forehead to the bottom of my chin, I had incredible asphalt burns and abrasions. My face literally appeared to have been assaulted with a meat tenderizer tool.

My hair was bloodied, as the emergency room staff didn’t clean my hair. My shirt had been torn and my chest had also been injured, as well as my legs, and arms. The emergency room physician had given me pain medication. Therefore, I was unaware of the degree of my wounds. I looked horrific. As I returned to the dining table, I apologized fervently to Charles and Chris for urging us to proceed with our plans.

My precious son was filled with compassion. He had been more concerned about how I felt than how I looked. I feel certain there was much embarrassment about me, but I was too “out of touch” at the time to have realized that. I was determined not to allow my accident to modify our family time.

The following day the plans did change. I attempted to play golf with Chris, but the pain was too intense to continue. We returned home early from our pre-college retreat and  my emotional grief was truthfully equal to or greater than my physical pain. I didn’t want our memories ruined by an accident. Little did I know that now over 27 years later, the recollections were indeed altered.

However, for me, the memories of that time are some of the fondest of our son’s childhood; not from the accident, but from the fact Chris had such concern for me. Also, he was a part of my life and that is a gift which no amount of money can ever purchase. Psalm 121:7 NIV, “The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life…”

As I viewed a news segment on the plethora of electric scooters throughout many cities, I possessed a warmhearted reminiscence of a moped scooter years ago. I was going on a late summer retreat with the two favorite men in my life; my then husband, Charles and son, Christopher.  Chris would be leaving home for college in a matter of days and we wanted one last “get away” as a memory of our time with him.

There would be great dining, golf and an outing to Eureka Springs with its’ rolling and picturesque terrain, but paramount was the time we would spend together. Shortly after our arrival to Eureka Springs, we spotted an opportunity to rent mopeds and enjoy the challenge of the numerous, hilly streets. All three of us thought, “why not?” It sounded like fun. Certainly, this would be a new adventure.

As we topped a hill and headed down an arduous  decline, the brakes on my scooter failed. I was racing out of control and literally heading toward a steep embankment which could have resulted in a fatal or very serious accident. God was with me. His loving hands were with a family driving a van up the same precipitous hill, as I was racing down. The driver saw me falling headfirst over the scooter, while it careened out of control down the embankment.

Charles and Chris were bolting behind me, but the van driver squandered no time in stopping his van and running to my aid. I argued with him that I would be fine, unaware of the seriousness of my injuries.  As Charles and Chris arrived at the van, the driver cited he was rushing me to the hospital and he would meet them there.

What an angel that driver was!  Enroute to the hospital with him, his wife and their two young children, I learned the family had recently moved to the area and one of the first things he had done was sell his large, rugged Harley Davidson due to the fact the treacherous hills were unsafe.  He cited his frustration with the moped rental shop, as he realized most of the renters were identical to our family; inexperienced riders on dangerous thoroughfares.

Not only was that man whose name I forgot years ago, the angel that rescued me and drove me to the hospital, but returned to the moped shop with Charles to plead our case for damages to the scooter which was lying at the bottom of an embankment, absent it’s passenger. If not for God, had I not been thrown off the scooter, I would have been alongside it as its’ partner.

As both the “angel” and Charles proclaimed to the shop owner when he was charging us for destruction of his scooter, next time it might be much worse than a hospital visit, especially given the fact the brakes had failed. No charges were brought against any of the parties. A realization of what “could have been” sufficed for the shop owner, as well as our little family.

TO BE CONTINUED:  I Thess. 5:18 NKJ “ In everything give thanks…”I certainly was grateful then God had spared my life.

It seems so often we rush through our routine days feeling we have accomplished something if we maintain status quo. When we have children in our home, we’re busy fulfilling their necessities and countless requests. After they leave home and begin lives of their own, we are often busy with careers as we plan for retirement.

When retirement arrives, we look forward to having time to enjoy those activities which were put “on hold” for many years. Yet, quite often retirement brings challenges of its’ own; health concerns, reduced income and perhaps being single. Is there ever a time when we pause, reflect and appreciate “that time”, any time of our life? Yes, when we choose to see each day that arrives as one more gift.

Years ago, I began calling the unexpected surprises in my life, “God hugs.” Certainly, I’ve never needed them more in my life than I do now, so when I do receive one of His hugs, they are esteemed.  Yesterday, I had an opportunity to attend a social event while also “giving back.”  The proceeds from the event provide services to our community.

As I hurried to the event, some of the local artists had set display tables of their artwork.  One of these tables exhibited beautiful, handcrafted, jewelry which caught my eye.  I examined many of the pieces, when realizing there was a drawing from this artist.  I completed the form, dropping it into the bowl with the entry forms from countless other women. Each was trusting they would be the “blessed recipient” of the gorgeous necklace.

As is customary for me, I turned off my cell phone upon arriving at the event. Returning home to check my e-mail and turning my phone on, I was exuberant to learn my name was drawn as the beneficiary of this necklace. I was elated for I knew immediately it was a gift from not only the jewelry artisan, but also one of God’s hugs. He was reminding me He knows my trials are many, but He is with me every step of the way.

While in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) today, our leader stated, “if you haven’t seen or heard anything, you might need to spend more time with Jesus.” Some days are like those of yesteryear, I’m just trying to maintain status quo, while others I cherish every moment with Jesus, for I realize there may not be another day which is one of God’s gifts. Our BSF leader also noted today, “don’t settle for good, but wait for God’s best.” Sometimes God’s good truly is the best of our entire day. I never take His warm, loving and kind hugs for granted.

In addition to the stunning necklace, the artist enclosed a card which brought tears to my eyes. She too is a child of God for each side of the card contained a special message, “There’s no one else on earth like you.”-Sadie Robertson and then a scripture, Romans 12:2 (version unknown), “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”  Yesterday was not only a good day; it was God’s best for me that day.

Isn’t it interesting when you are trying diligently to move on from something which has greatly imprinted your life, there are frequent reminders of that which you are attempting to forget? As I shared yesterday, I spent a full week in a workshop endeavoring to heal from the deep pain of marital betrayal. Yet today, I heard a gentleman say, “the most important decision you will ever make in your life is who you choose to spend your life with.”

Though for me personally, the most important decision I’ve ever made is choosing to be a child of God, I know a decision for a life mate is critical. In my fervent effort to heal, I had taken two steps forward and one back! Yet even with losing a step now and then, if I proceed forward, I will reach my goal of healing.

As I drove quietly through my neighborhood today while departing for church, God placed a reminder of His love on my path.  No less than 5-6 deer walked in front of my car. I stopped, rolled down my window and hoped to capture that beautiful moment; a family out for an early morning stroll. One of the adults stood guard, while the babies fearfully ran. Even though I beheld the beauty of that moment, it was also a reminder to me that God stands guard when I fear there might be some vulnerability in my life.

As our pastor continued his message today on Joseph, he reminded us that when we are in the “pit” we can deny what is happening, we can despair over what is happening, or we can decide God is able. I know God is able. We all know God’s schedule is not always ours. Yet if we have faith and trust, we know some day we will walk out of the pit, onto solid ground more beautiful than we could ever have imagined.

During the sermon today as the pastor spoke about not being self-absorbed, I smiled. I recalled the on-going theme of the workshop I attended last week; taking care only of ourselves. When I had mentioned my volunteer work, giving and doing for others, I was criticized. I give to others due to the great love God has bestowed toward me. Also, as I do, it echoes words I also heard today, “don’t confuse heartache with hopelessness.” Some I serve have much heartache, as do I, but I also want to be an encouragement to them that life is not hopeless. Matthew 23:12 NIV “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

I share with each of you my readers, about a journey I’ve been on this week; one which I sincerely trust will permit me to finally move beyond the tremendous emotional pain of these past 17 months.  I desire that each day is a brighter day; that every day I awaken, is filled with only the pleasure and adventure of that day. I can’t change what happened with the man I so deeply loved nor the fact our family was dissolved in the blink of any eye, but I can accept this is now my reality.

Have you ever had so much emotional or physical pain that you would do almost anything to rid yourself of that agony? Perhaps, you tried alternative medicine, exercise, physical therapy, counseling or numerous other remedies, but the pain remained. For the past 50 years, I have been involved in psychological and pastoral counseling in an effort, not only to better myself, but hopefully to become a better person to those I loved and cared about. My heart believed if I changed enough, they would love and/or accept me, even though my head realized such changes had nothing to do with me, but with the other person(s).

This past week, I’ve participated in a weeklong, intensive, non-traditional, counseling therapy in an attempt to overcome the tremendous emotional pain which left me crippled and unable to focus or function as the person God desired me to be.  Whereas, many of the sentiments I’ve heard countless times, each time I meet new counselors they have a different insight than perhaps other counseling professionals.  My sorrow will not end overnight, as the pain developed and evolved over 50 years.  Even though I’ve known my entire adult life we are responsible only for our words and actions; not those of others, it was delightful to be reminded.

I know I may stumble from time to time on recalling the sorrow of my lost marriage, home and family. However, I’m sincerely making the effort to try and move forward from the anguish which has consumed much of my life these past 17 months. The mission statement of this week’s workshop is: “I have inherent worth. It cannot be raised or lowered by my weaknesses or defects of character.”

To further validate my worth, I cherish God’s words in Psalm 139:13-14 NIV, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…”

One of my favorite sentiments in my  life is that God is always in the details. Today was no different. I worshiped in a church I had attended over a year ago and what a joy and blessing it was. The pastor’s message on the story of Joseph spoke to me. I’ve studied Joseph many times, including a wonderful bible study on Joseph and forgiveness. Even though I’ve heard Pastor Eric’s words countless times in my life, today they were a reminder of what I need to “heed” in order to move forward.

If we continue to mourn the past of our lives, we can’t receive the blessings of the present. We may be grieving the death of a child, spouse, relative or dear friend. We may be grieving a job or home we lost. It may be a long-term marriage where our mates walked away from us. Whatever the loss and no matter how great our sorrow, we can’t enjoy today or God’s gifts of tomorrow if we remain “in our past.”

Yes, we may recall our past and cling to those memories which brought us joy and happiness. As we are living those happy times wouldn’t it be magnificent if we could put a “pause button” on our lives; just to hang on to those moments that much longer?  As we know and as I was reminded again today, nothing can stop God’s plans; absolutely nothing! I know this is a message God wants me to understand for this is the fourth or fifth time I’ve heard this same sentiment within the past two-three weeks.

I would love to think that tomorrow or right around the corner God’s plan will be as spectacular as when He brought Joseph out of bondage and allowed his brothers to stand before him. Don’t we all wish that those persons that cast us into a “pit” in our lives or caused us to be placed in a prison of heartache and disappointment had to stand before us and realize their depravity?

Chuck Swindoll cited this bible passage a few days ago in one of his devotions, “We’re not left to wonder what Joseph felt when he heard his brothers’ words, when he heard them admit their guilt over what they had done. We are told he had to leave the room so he could weep… He understood well one of the reasons they were breaking. They had been in the dungeon for three days… He had spent years in a dungeon. He also knew that when God comes to tap on stooped shoulders and to break a guilty heart, He does not stop with a slight nudge or mild reproof. The long-outstanding bills were coming due for Joseph’s brothers. And as their debt rose ever higher before their eyes, they openly admitted, “We are guilty!”

We know God works in His own way and in His own time. He has his own way of bringing “sonlight” back into our lives when we have been living in some of the darkest and most raging storms.

Every day I wait. Every day I pray. Every day I hope that today or this week will be the time God reveals His plan. I know that someday; God’s day, it will happen. Until then, I know I must release my past, as a kite that has lost it’s anchor. Lamentations 3:25, “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.”

Dear Followers, As I take a break today from my blog on TBRI, I want to share some poignant words from Chuck Swindoll.  I was literally brought to tears today by his words of grace and love. As you know from my previous blogs, I’m a huge fan of his. Never has a pastor, teacher or evangelist touched my heart as deeply as Chuck has touched mine. Perhaps because I’ve sat only yards away as he has preached or possibly, I found his messages so pertinent to me.

Recently, as I had lunch with a friend, I was sharing again the deep sorrow over the betrayal of the man I gave my heart and life to; my then husband of 44 years.  I’ve had to learn and accept since last year that the love I gave him for over 51 years was in vain. For this reason, Chuck’s words of love today impacted me greatly. It’s a recollection of not only God’s love for us, but also our human love for another. In part, they are as follows:

“Nothing affirms and encourages my wife more than roses. When our wedding anniversary rolls around each June, I make sure a vase full of beautiful roses winds up on her desk. Rose blooms are attractive, even elegant. Their color is stunning…The best part? They say what I cannot put into words . . . even more than, simply, “I love you.” They announce, “I haven’t forgotten.”

Roses escort Cynthia back to her childhood, where her best memories were anchored by her maternal grandparents in a small, four-room house on a rose farm along a country road in Tyler, Texas. Her parents’ cottage had burned down. So Cynthia, age 4, and her little sister, along with their parents, moved into Pa Pa and Granny’s little home. On his few acres, Pa Pa farmed his roses, and in that setting, Granny, confined to a hospital bed, helped forge the steel in Cynthia’s character.

Every morning when Pa Pa and his workers had finished cutting the roses, they would put them in large washtubs by the side of the road. The florist would pick them up… But the best roses weren’t put in the tubs. Pa Pa gave those first, with lots of kisses, to the love of his life as she lay in bed…”

I know each person reading will react with their personal emotions. For me it is the story of a devoted love from a husband to a wife, that only the best was given to her. Do you also give your first and your best to God? I Cor. 16:14 NKJ “Let all that you do be done with love.”

As I shared about TBRI in my last blog, empowerment is one of the principles of Trust Based Relational Intervention. How would you empower your children, your mate, other family or your friends? What does it mean to empower another? It makes someone feel safe, strong and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights. Certainly, when you dictate to anyone what they will do and the manner in which it will be done, you invalidate their empowerment.

When my then husband, Charles mandated where we lived, that I would be employed outside our home and where, he removed my self-confidence.  Additionally, when he devised a list of how I would use my income, he claimed my rights. He required me to quit college and work full-time to assist him in fulfilling his goals.

I vividly recall being a newly wed and directed to seek permission to purchase a pair of slipper socks. A gal in my office was having a lingerie party in her home and invited me to attend along with the numerous other colleagues in our department. As we oohed and aahed over the lovely nightgowns and robes, I felt obligated to make a purchase as were the other gals.

I sought the least expensive item; a pair of slipper socks. As I embarrassingly informed the hostess  I must seek permission from Charles before making the purchase, I was ridiculed. The other gals derisively replied, “no way would their husbands tell them how to spend their money when they were the ones employed?” Silently, I agreed, but also understood the “rules of our home.”

Over two decades later, I was volunteering for a local charity during a fund raiser. Again, because I was working outside the home, as mandated by Charles, I made a one-time donation for the charity. The list of contributors was televised. Upon arrival home, I was not greeted with a hug, kiss or even a “hello.”

Charles’ severe greeting of “I didn’t give you permission to make a donation” caused my customary, physiological reaction; the headache and GI distress began. It was impossible to compromise with Charles. He had set the ground rules years earlier and each time I attempted to be empowered, that power was removed.

These were only two of countless comparable events during my marriage. I realized if I made any such decision without Charles’ consent, I would be harshly reprimanded. He informed me prior to our marriage that he would be in charge of all our finances and determine how those would be spent. If I chose to make purchases without his knowledge, his rebukes took the form of lectures, as well as harsh and angry words. However, his greatest admonishment was when he deliberately denied all forms of physical and emotional interaction toward me.

He learned while we were dating these forms of affection had been withheld from me for the duration of my upbringing. As a result, receiving this from him was one of my greatest desires as his fiancée and later his wife. Such actions from Charles left me feeling weak, unsafe and lacking all confidence; the opposite of what empowerment does for others.

How often do we remove another’s ability to be empowered?  Do you negate their confidence and self-esteem by your words and actions toward them? If they have an idea or suggestion, is it destroyed with criticism? TO BE CONTINUED:  Luke 6:31 NIV, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

What would our lives be like if every person thought of others before themselves? Because this blog is on “giving” as well as gratitude and gratefulness,  my volunteer work with victims of domestic violence and child abuse has “gifted” me some excellent seminars and workshops providing tools to work with these victims.

Recently, I attended a workshop on Trust Based Relational Intervention, from this time forward referred to as, TBRI. It is a method of dealing with our interactions with others. It involves three principals; empowering, connecting and correcting.

I would love to say “if only” I had some of the skills I learned recently that perhaps the relationships in my life would be different. However, I absolutely comprehend that when a person chooses to dissolve a relationship, no amount of pleading or love can change their mind. Nonetheless, by sharing some of the knowledge I have gained, perhaps may assist you with current interactions with others.

The workshop reminded us to spend at least ten minutes each day in “one on one” time. Even though this discussed time with our children, what about with other family members? During this time there would be no teaching (or correcting as so frequently happens), no questioning and no instruction. How often have you asked someone to pray for you and without hesitation they are mandating what you should do? You didn’t ask for their judgement or opinion, but merely a simple statement of “will you please pray with me?”

What if we all gave even ten minutes of our time to just “see, hear and listen” to the other person? How wonderful would it be if you gave even an hour to another person? I recall countless times during my 44-year marriage counselors recommended a “date night” with my then husband, Charles and me.

Time and again, he mocked and jeered at that; citing no way would he do anything with me as a date. Yet while I was still his wife, Charles began taking his “new woman” on dates and now over seven years later, they remain as  “one.” Where would our family be “if only” that same amount of time had be given to us?  TO BE CONTINUED:  Luke 6:31 NIV “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.”

As I opened my Facebook page yesterday, I read a posting by a friend written by Lynne Brace Lapp:

Green Eyes

Green is the rarest of eye colors, naturally occurring in only 2% of the world’s population. It is the only eye color that changes; becoming more green, gray or blue based on mood, weather and surroundings.

People with green eyes are often leaders. They tend to be good listeners and excellent speakers, attracting other people like magnets. Naturally curious and very intuitive, the green-eyed person is always easy to talk to and makes an excellent lover. Tough, quick-witted and caring, they also make wonderful friends.

As I read this, my own green eyes immediately filled with tears. Even though not all of these traits accurately portray me, some do. Nonetheless, I was taken aback in time over 40 decades earlier when the very topic of my eye color was one of those melancholy memories which remains indelible on my heart.

My then husband, Charles and I had recently arrived in Ft. Benning, GA for his basic training as an officer in the US Army.  I had been awaiting him in our car while he completed the required forms for entry onto the base. As Charles returned, he handed me the papers, requesting that I “hold them.” Scanning the documents, I realized there was also personal data pertaining to me. As I continued to read, the portion of the form which stated, “color of eyes”, Charles had written “blue.”

I immediately queried him. Sobbing, I asked “why did you list my eyes as blue?  Have you never looked into my eyes?” I was pregnant with our first child. We had been married for almost 3 years. My mind was racing wildly. I queried him again, asking if he had ever looked into my eyes.  I thought of the dozens of compliments I had received over this God- given asset during the past 23 years of my life. Anytime I wore a green garment, the green in my eyes appeared more vivid.

My tears, cries and pleas for an understanding were all received with Charles’ typical antagonism toward me. “I wanted you to have blue eyes”, so that is what I wrote. I cried for what seemed like hours. Why did he so blatantly change something about me?  I never knew until this very minute that when given the opportunity, he would change his dislikes of me to satisfy his desires. I attempted to remind him, that “writing blue” didn’t alter the color of my eyes.

That was only one of hundreds of excruciating insults from him. It alerted me then and for the duration of our 44-year marriage, that I wasn’t the wife Charles desired, but I was the person God created. Psalm 139: 13-14 NIV “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”