Category: blessings

 

According to the NCADV (Nat’l Coalition Against Domestic Violence)  1 in 4 women in the US is or will become a victim of DV. As I have shared with pastors and church staff dozens of times, as you stand in the pulpit and look out over the congregation, 25% of all the women there are victims of DV. Most church staff choose to disregard the statistics for they believe if ignored, it will go away.

There are many elements of DV, some of the most prevalent are: intimation, humiliation, physical injury, power and control. At the core of each case of DV is a component which is a trigger to the abuser. For me personally, despite the enduring love I had for Charles, the more I desired him to fulfill the roles of a husband; emotional and physical interaction, the more he pushed me away. The more Charles withdrew, the more I tried to be accepted by him. The countless hours and thousands of dollars spent in counseling to be loved and accepted by a man whom years later touted he never truly cared about me, caused the cycle of abuse to escalate over the years.

I understand the statement from Focus Ministries, “Abuser wants power and control over their victim and they will use any means they can to do so.” The examples of this power and control in my life, would fill a multi volume book. I will remember always a house which Charles insisted we purchase. We were in a new house only 4 years old. I loved the house and the neighborhood.  He desired to be in a smaller house, but a more prestigious neighborhood at a much greater cost.

Because Charles mandated that I work outside the home, specifying what things I must pay for, then purchasing a more expensive, smaller home was irrational to me. Additionally, the increased mortgage would only place an unnecessary encumbrance on our budget. I did not desire to move or to purchase that house. He manipulated the realtor to pressure me to the point he purchased that house. This would not be the only time in our marriage he did this. He purchased other homes and automobiles without my consent.

In all relationships there must be compromise, but husbands that love their wives don’t “bully them” to achieve what they yearn. I Cor. 13: 4-5 NKJ, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely…”

As we walk on life’s paths we often ask, “what is God teaching me in this?” Because my abuse has been the fiber of my entire life, those in the faith community have cited often, “share your story, for God has a purpose in this and He receives the glory.”

Before I became Charles’ wife, his control over me had begun. We had dated for a year and were then engaged for another year when he cited “we could not marry if we both continued in college.” Thus, his desire was that we wait several more years to marry. My parents were adamant, “break off the engagement or marry.” When Charles heard this, his demand was that I must drop out of college to work full-time to allow him to graduate.  The information and knowledge we have today would have been a red flag this was a controlling and manipulative man. Because it was the 1960’s and this information was not available, then “in love”, Janie continued on my journey.

In less than 12 hours after I took my vows to be “Mrs. Woods”, I realized something was atypical. What  22 year old groom would invite his 17 year old brother to arrive at our residence at 8:00 a.m. to  linger for the entire day? By that night when Mike remained in our apartment, my tearful pleas for his departure were received only by Charles’ anger, “this is my brother and he can stay as long as he wishes.” This came after weeks of pleading to Charles for a “honeymoon” of any kind; even a night in a lovely hotel, but all were denied.

Over the years I would come to understand such behavior was termed, “avoidance” by counselors; another way to avoid being alone with a new wife whom desired love and attention from her husband. I had dreamed of the time I would have a husband with whom I could cherish the physical attributes of our union. This component of the marriage was missing.

As a naïve 21 year old bride reared in an ultra-conservative fundamentalist church, after meeting with a psychologist about the lack of intimacy and the desire for Charles to spend our first day of marriage with a brother instead of his wife, his advice revealed this was indeed not a typical marriage.  I believed it was imperative that I have our marriage annulled.

My parents requested that I converse with our pastor about my desire. The pastor was unyielding; I had taken a vow before God and I must remain married.  Less than 30 days after taking my wedding vows the abuse had begun. It was initially from my husband for denying me what I would learn years later is considered “sexual abuse” (to deliberately withhold physical intimacy from a spouse) and then emotional/spiritual abuse when I was instructed to remain in this celibate marriage. As years passed and the abuse escalated, numerous pastors in as many different churches, mandated the same advice.  The old cliché that hindsight is 20/20 could not have been more apropos in my situation. Believing that I must remain in this union, began a very long and arduous journey for me.

For years, Charles denied he was abusive for he cited he had never severely beaten me as my father did. Focus Ministries states, “anyone who has been a victim of verbal, emotional, psychological or financial abuse understands the power of oppression. DV may not be evident in physical bruises or open cuts to show the world-but often the wounds of oppression are much deeper and slower to heal.” Proverbs 22:24 NKJ, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go.”

Dear Blog Followers, For the next few days, I will be deviating from my normal “thanks and gratitude” blog to share something which has personally impacted me. Not only has it imprinted and changed my life, it is something which is real and exists in our communities, but many choose to disregard it. Due to the “Me Too” movement and much coverage in the media, it is no longer something which is hidden. The pain is like that of a jellyfish; its’ tentacles reaching out with poison and touching all those it comes in contact with. It is domestic violence (DV) as I will refer to it from this point forward.

Because my blogs are faith based, I will share some notes and statistics from training I received in 2017 at Focus Ministries in Elmhurst, IL. My references will refer to he/him as the abuser for as this training and other workshops note, the majority of abusers are male.   I was a counseling client in a battered women’s shelter, as well as attending several workshops and conferences on this subject for it has consumed my entire life. From being a severely, physically and emotionally abused child to enduring all forms of DV as a wife for 44 years and beyond, I am choosing to share my journey. I have been urged to do so for I have been able to endure and survive without bitterness and anger. I can truthfully say, to God be the glory for that.”

For victims such as myself, active in church, the emotional agony has  been exacerbated when church staff and fellow members have turned a deaf ear to us or touted, we were being dishonest in our cries and pleas for help. As I share more in this blog, I pray that if you know of someone that is walking this journey you will give them the support and love they so greatly desire and require in order to move beyond the grief.

Child abuse and DV is nothing to be grateful for, but the correlation between this blog and thankfulness is that persons like myself have survived it. I know there are thousands like me; encouragers to those whom may still be walking the path or have been unable to overcome the pain of the journey. Ezekiel 45:9 NLT, “For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: Enough, you prices of Israel. Stop your violence and oppression and do what is just and right.”

Have you ever driven down a street and been captivated by the exterior or lawn of a home? Realtors say most buyers will never give a home a second look if the curb appeal is negative.  I understood from the time I was a young teen that first impressions may also be the last impression. Our personal appearance, as well as our homes are reflections of the persons we are.

What about personalized vehicle tags and holders?  Do they also portray the people we are? There are tags which promote professions or hobbies, as well as those touting love for families or pets. The variety of quotes on tags is as limitless as the people owning them. My own tag, although not too original, denotes the car is owned by someone with the letter “J”; J-Bug, as I drive a 2013 VW Beetle. My tag holder also alerts others to one of my hobbies. It states “happiness is quilting”. That may be in question as I often must rip and re-sew or rip and re-arrange, but it was a gift from a quilt shop and I’m proud to share with others that I do enjoy the “gift” of quilting.

Recently I was behind a car with a tag holder I had never seen. It left me smiling all the way home; “another beautiful day, compliments of God.” Oh yes, indeed! Every day is a gift from God.  What kind of image do we represent when others see us?

Are our lives filled with weeds; the things which choke out the goodness from God?  Are our homes dirty and cluttered with junk which don’t allow others to come in, sit down and hear about the love of God?  How about dirty and ragged clothes, which cover up the beauty God instilled in us? Our impression to others does matter. Our image, words and actions are our “curb appeal.” People may walk by and never get to know us, for they don’t like what they see.  Matthew 5:16 NKJ, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”

As I reflected on the day to honor fathers and read these words from Charles Stanley, I was reminded of what God instructs fathers to be and to do, “According to Scripture, the father’s responsibility is to lead his family physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Most dads work hard to provide for material needs, and many give the family adequate time and love. But how many are diligent to lead spiritually?”

I was saddened as I thought of my own father and perhaps thousands of others like him as he chose to withhold time and love, while also choosing not to fulfill the physical, emotional or spiritual needs of our lives. He lived for only himself. Over the years I have shared countless times that I honored my father because God imparts that to us, but I didn’t love or respect my father, due to the extreme physical and emotional abuse.

Dr. Rabbi HaLevi cites, “to begin with, it’s important to remember that the Hebrew Bible says, “honor your father. It doesn’t say obey your father. It doesn’t say respect your father. It doesn’t say like your father. It doesn’t even say love your father. Of course, it would be wonderful to feel love for one’s father, however, love is a feeling and feelings can’t be commanded. Some fathers are lovable. However, some fathers are not. For a myriad of reasons, they are outside the realm of our love: abuse, neglect, absence, abandonment, betrayal-many fathers have simply made it impossible for their children to feel the emotion of love or demonstrate it back.”

No matter how diligently I tried to be loved and accepted by my father, I received only rejection. Yet, I honored him. I would have cherished a “hallmark” father, but that was not a gift I was given. However, on this day as we reflect upon the men in our lives whom we call “Dad”, may we always esteem the love our heavenly father gives as no other can. Exodus 20:12 NKJ, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land…”

As I departed for church there were a few clouds in the sky, but it was dry. Minutes later as I was driving down the highway the winds blew, the rains fell, and hail dropped from the darkened sky. I quickly found a medical center and pulled in under cover, awaiting an escape from the storm, so that I could proceed to church. Believing it was safe enough to continue my drive, the rain remained relentless. After sitting in the church parking lot for over 30 minutes with rain so strong and unforgiving, it seemed it would crash through the car at any moment.

At long last, a reprieve. Although it was still raining, my umbrella would protect me from the cool, wet drops. A surprise awaited me as I stepped into a darkened church. Due to ferocity of the rain, our church had lost power. The early service was canceled.

Along my commute back home, I thought about our lives. How often are we in dark storms and take short-term, emergency cover in the arms and love of our Lord? Then we feel the storms have passed, so we proceed on, only to learn they had not ended; they had merely been lessened “for the moment.” We once again seek His shelter. Then suddenly, we lose all control, all power. We are totally at the compassion of God. Just as our church was at the mercy of God calming the storm so we could once again have power for our electricity, so too must we rely on God for control of our lives; in storms and tranquility.

If we walk with God during all the times of our lives, we won’t have a worry or fear when the storms come. We will have a peace that He will be with us. Isaiah 4:6 NIV…”it will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.”

Do we often times attend church or bible study with an open heart and mind, but not expecting anything unusual? Then “wham” God brings you a joy beyond measure.  As I attended what I believed would be a routine choir rehearsal I received a “God hug”. When we were singing our next to the last song, “Hymn of Praise”, the words leapt from the page and brought pangs to my heart.

Written by Bill and Gloria Gaither, their lyrics echoed so much of what most of us desire in our lives, but may not receive and also some of the painful experiences we must walk.  “Oh, loving father, by your grace, we gather here to seek your face and thank you for this family and hearth and home and loyalty .Our hearts are full of gratitude for work and rest and daily food, for neighbours (neighbors) kind and faithful friends, the gifts on which our lives depend. We even thank you for the pain -It’s through the loses that we gain clear perspective, a better view of our dependency of you…Through good and bad we’ve learned to trust, that you are loving, wise and just. So now with childlike hearts we raise our hymn of deepest, highest praise!”

The tears were so abundant, I was unable to sing. Yes, these were my desires as a young wife and mother, but God had a different plan for my life.   How well I understand the words of gaining a clear perspective from pain. My choir mate hugged me and said she would be praying for me, as I briefly shared my own life’s journey and why I cried so intensely during the song.

I departed choir realizing I had received a gift I had not anticipated; God’s reminder He knows each of our hearts and needs. Psalms 139:1 NIV “you have searched me oh Lord and you know me.”

Have you ever owned a porch swing and have great memories of your time there? The first one I experienced was as a young pre-school child. My grandmother was not blessed to have her own home after she became a widow at age 36.  She spent the next 25-30 years of her life being a care giver for others, in their homes.

For as long as I can recall the only home my grandmother ever had was with that of a widower; Mr. Kennedy. My grandmother reared her two children in that old country home as the cook and housekeeper for him. I recall the house with fond memories, but perhaps the greatest was that of the old porch swing. Memories of childhood are often distorted from reality, but a “swing” never changes. It can’t be larger or smaller or more picturesque as in a child’s mind. It merely holds the memories of swinging alone or with another; perhaps reading a book or sipping lemonade.

At a young age, I was a romantic at heart. How I longed for the day, I would have my own home and family and yes, it had to include a porch swing. Long before I had my own swing, my ex husband, Charles’s parents had a glider. It wasn’t as romantic as a porch swing, but it too would offer its’ passengers quiet and solitude as they dreamed of places near and far.

Years later after Charles and I had our own family, my persistence for a swing remained strong. I had moved from house to house, city to city and state to state with him and felt after 15 years of marriage a porch swing would be a great asset for our long porch which backed up to a woods and a creek.  Charles finally succumbed to my pleas and tears. Although it was not the porch swing as the one of my childhood, Charles insisted it should be one of a more contemporary design. Nonetheless, many frequented that swing; children and their friends, family close by and far away, guests from several continents. I can still hear the cries of our little cat. We knew, he too had visited the swing, only to have a paw which had fallen among the slats. In a panic, rather than lift his leg, his wails alarmed us to rescue him.  Isn’t it wonderful that God gives us the gift of memory, which allows us to relive those parts of our lives which bring us great “sonshine.”  Proverbs 17:22 ESV, “ A joyful heart is good medicine…”

How often do we experience poor customer service? Then we frequently hear, “customer service is not what it used to be?” There are also times when staff of companies or corporations excel at their jobs. Today was one of those examples where multiple individuals exceeded my expectations in assisting me. I’m gladly sending kudos to CarMax of Plano, McKinney and Irving, TX. They assisted me with lost documents whereas another company’s customer service was almost nonexistent.

Our daily life’s routine can at times seem frustrating or even overwhelming. When individuals are a blessing to me, I term them, “God hugs.” It’s a reminder that God is walking with me no matter what life holds. Also, as we meet others on our path, we never know what they might be  experiencing. Our appreciation for their assistance and service can be as much a blessing to them, as they were to us.

I carry business card sized “thank you cards” in my purse. When someone goes out of their way to offer assistance or kindness, I hand them a card with my verbal thanks and a reminder that gratitude is something which none of us can give too much. Ruth 1:8 NLT, “May the Lord reward you for your kindness…”

You are a most blessed and fortunate person if you have or had a close friend or two. Decades into life and I’ve never had a true friend. I’ve had countless short-lived casual “friend” relationships via church, school, neighborhood and/or the community. However, never have I had a close, enduring friend. The bible tells us that true friends stick closer than a brother.

Each time I hear that, I chuckle for my siblings and I have never been close. As we have aged, our ties are greater than in our younger years, but none of the three of us have the kind of bond which the bible cites.

For my entire life, I have prayed and longed for a true friend. Circumstances and life have prevented such, but I continue to seek an enduring friendship. Years ago I read an article which compared friendships to coffee. I diligently searched for the internet article, but it has long since vanished into cyber space.  The author compared friendships to types of coffee: strong roast; bold, often times bitter tasting. They may be controlling and provide unsolicited advice. Counselors refer to these kinds of friendships as acidic, which then causes me to spew them out.   Medium roast; someone whom is there for you, without the drama or intensity of the strong roast, but you know they are a constant.   The mild roast;  there with a hug and comforting word of encouragement. They may be the short-lived friends, for they aren’t as strong as the dark and medium roast. Nonetheless, it is beneficial to have all roasts of coffee friends during our lifetime. Each of them has a lesson to share with us.

Over the years each of these “coffee” buddies has crossed my path. The countless moves during my life, the loss of my marriage, family and home all caused many friends to disperse. As I have learned, God most often brings us friends “for a season.”  When I plead for a friend, usually God provides for that period of my life. Many of these friends I had hoped, prayed and trusted would remain long-term. That was not their plan nor Gods, so I just have to be grateful they filled an empty spot in my heart and life before they moved onto another coffee break with the person God placed them with. Proverbs 18:24 NKJ “…But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”