As I continue with my discussion of respect whether it is earned and/or given, I recall most vividly reading the words in Rick Warren’s book,  The Purpose Driven Life, on page 25 a portion of Russell Kelfer’s poem: “ The parents you had were the ones he chose, And no matter how you may feel, They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind, And they bear the Master’s seal. No that trauma you faced was not easy. And God wept that it hurt you so; But it was allowed to shape your heart So that into His likeness you’d grow.”

I literally wept for hours as I read those words, for I had wondered for years how parents could hate a child as much as mine hated me. Yet, they did, and I endured! My mother died at age 89 and never once told me she loved me. I conveyed my love to her because I was so hopeful she would love me in return. I never loved her, but I respected her role as my mother. She didn’t earn my respect, but I gave it.

One of the most severe beatings occurred when I was 17 years old. As had been the routine for my entire life, I was mandated to do the housework for our family of five.  As a very obedient child and teen, on that day I respectfully pleaded to be able to wash the dishes upon my return back from the Future Homemakers Convention in downtown Oklahoma City. I was riding with my two neighbors, each seniors whom had a car. Because I never owned a car until I was in my 20’s, I needed transportation to the meeting.

Upon hearing my request, my mother hurriedly dashed off to locate my father and asked him to “take care of me.” The term “take care of me” meant only one thing, “beat Jane to a pulp” and he did. However on this day, not only did he beat me unmercifully with the belt buckle until I bled, but he had pulled up my dress humiliating me. As he beat me and beat me, my sister was screaming “Daddy please stop. You are going to kill her.” Mom was yelling, “beat her more.”  When Dad concluded the beating, I was commanded to go to the FHA meeting. The sorrow I endured from that incident is permanent. Certainly, the physical assault healed, but the beating left a scar upon my heart for an eternity.

My parents did not deserve love nor respect, but I gave it to them for God instructed me to do so. Exodus 20:12 NKJ, “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land…”

As I noted yesterday in my blog, the subject of respect is so encompassing it will take longer than one to two days to share my personal perspective of the subject. I was reared at the hands of extremely abusive parents, so severe that over 50 years later, a happenstance with a neighbor from those childhood days gave us the opportunity to converse. She and her family lived several houses away, but they heard my screams as my father beat me profusely. Unfortunately, it was pre-DHS days (1950’s-1960’s) so there was no one to intervene; no one to aid me in my pleas and cries for help.

However, years later when I was a wife and mother in my 30’s, one of my counselors required that I discuss my past with anyone whom might have known me as a child and teen.  I contacted my pastor from those years and yes, he admitted he knew I was abused, for I came to church with bruises and injuries, but it wasn’t “his business” to interfere (as he cited).

I also telephoned my maternal uncle whom resided out of state. I had seen him only two or three times after my parents left their home state of OH but was hopeful he could give me some insight. Uncle Dick was aware of the abuse when I was a mere infant. He said when I was not yet one year of age, my father would grab me out of my highchair by one arm and beat me; for what Dad my have deemed horrible wrong doings by an infant. Uncle Dick believed the abuse had ceased and was saddened to know it never stopped.

As I shared with him, no it had only increased and even now as a adult with my own life, the emotional abuse from my father was as intense as the days he was harshly beating me.  Nonetheless, in spite of the maltreatment at the hands of my parents, I respected the role they had in my life. Exodus 20:12 NKJ “Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long upon the land…”

The question may remain, is respect given or earned. It is both. We learn to respect those we are privileged to know; friends, colleagues, classmates, etc. Others we respect because of the position or office they hold; law enforcement, teachers, pastors, etc. There are always exceptions, but most of us follow the “norms.”

What about respecting parents whom did nothing but show you love and support both physically and emotionally for your entire life? What about the child that refuses to respect one’s parents, in their words and actions toward that person? I’m not speaking of an occasional sarcastic or condescending comment, but continually for years?

Is it a gift that the child gives this parent respect or is it something which should be due because of the position the parent holds in the child’s life? For over 25 years there have been long bouts of not seeing or hearing from my son. After his two daughters were born, I was excluded from family events and celebrations. I receive no cards, gifts, telephone calls, texts or e-mails for holidays and special events.

I continue to reach out to him, for as his mother and a child of God, this is what is right. Counselors have differing opinions on how to deal with the behavior of such disrespectful children, but each of us must also do what we deem is “right for us”. This is a long and complex sorrow, so will blog about this over the course of the next few days, as it is an emotional pain which is almost unbearable at times.  Exodus 20:12 NKJ “Honor…your mother, that your days may be long upon the land…”

In my last blog I mentioned Frank Warren, the man that invited people to share their secrets with him. Over one million people accepted that opportunity. However, some of us become victims of secrets from family and friends. For many years my ex-husband carried three locked brief cases which he kept locked in his car. Because I wanted to trust and believe he was not keeping confidences from me, then I didn’t query his actions.

Nonetheless, I found his covert behavior rather perplexing. I had always been open with everything I said and did.  If I believed my words or actions were not the wisest decision, my conscience didn’t allow me rest until I confided my “wrongs”.

Nonetheless those locked cases were disconcerting. It was one of my numerous counselors that persuaded me people who have nothing to hide don’t keep secrets locked away.  The counselor’s persuasion of finding what was in the cases caused me to have more guilt from “prying open” one of those cases that just to allow my ex-husband to continue with his clandestine actions. Ruining the costly case which I had purchased as a wedding anniversary gift, was more devastating to me that trying to uncover the hidden secrets.

Not only did I have to divulge the damage to the costly gift, but also that I didn’t trust him. Of course, I replaced the case, but his anger remained for years to come. This was a time I should have heeded God and not man.  God’s gift to us is that in His time, He will bring to light the things we need to know.  When we learn the truth, it may be emotionally painful for us,  but it will be in God’s time, not ours. Ecclesiastes 12:14 NKJ, “For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil”.

I was watching a television segment this week on Frank Warren a man who is a “secret keeper”. This gentleman handed out postcards in 2005 citing you could send him your secrets on a postcard.   Frank has now received over a million secrets for “safe keeping”.  Over the years as people have confided in me, I have chosen to keep their secrets; never divulging matters deep within their hearts. When someone shares some of their innermost concerns with me, I value the confidence they have bestowed upon me to keep those secrets.

I’m an open book for my own life, as I never wanted to have something so deep and secretive that I had to hide it from others. I also cling tightly to the fact that God sometimes puts us through difficult times to use them for His honor and glory. That doesn’t mean we are to share our burdens with all we meet.  However, I do feel that sharing with the appropriate person in the proper time, can truly be for God’s exaltation.

Over the years, I have shared with persons whom I valued enough to share, believing they respected me and would maintain these confidences.  However, time and again they betrayed me by hastily touting what they had “learned”.   Almost always this caused painful repercussions.  I realized that if that person betrayed me, they had most probably deceived others. Being a “secret keeper” is a gift. Aren’t we grateful God sees and hears our hearts, so we don’t have to keep anything from Him? Proverbs 11:13 NIV “ A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret”.

In the 1990’s I registered for a Christian writer’s conference in Hannibal, MO. When submitting my application, I inquired if there might be another attendee from my locale.  The conference staff were happy to oblige me with contact information for the other person. At that time, it was pre cell-phone and texting. Mrs. McEntire was not yet an e-mail user, so she and I chatted a couple of times via phone. A time and place were arranged to meet and carpool over to MO.

When I arrived to pick her up, she and her husband were most outgoing and personable, so the three of us agreed sharing a ride to the conference would be beneficial. From the onset the two of us conversed with much ease and pleasant interaction. However, shortly into our journey, my curiosity had the “best of me” and I just had to know if she was related to Reba. Yes, indeed she was. She was her aunt by marriage. Reba’s Daddy and Mrs. McEntire’s husband were brothers, owning very large ranches in OK.

Because I have forgotten Mrs. McEntire’s first name, for the sake of this story, I will call her Dorothy (as I think that might be what her first name was), she had much admiration for Reba and her talent. Dorothy shared of Reba’s father’s devotion to her and her siblings. Reba’s Daddy was a huge asset in bringing her name to the forefront. The rest is history, as I imagine all reading this blog know of Reba McEntire’s beautiful voice.

Each of us have been given gifts from God. Not all of us have the ability or financial advantages to allow us fame. Nonetheless, our talents can be used of God for His service. Some may serve quietly “behind the scenes”, while others enjoy being in front of the action. Whatever He has called us to do, do it for His glory to others. I Peter NKJ, “As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.”

Yesterday I shared about empathy as a gift to others. It is my belief when a person endures a deep emotional and/or physical heartache there is no greater need than to be supported and understood. When persons are physically injured, people see it and realize they are enduring much physical pain.

When a person’s pain is emotional, one may not understand their depth of agony is as great as the person suffering from physically injuries.  If you don’t understand, withholding judgement and/or condemnation toward the unseen affliction is a gift. Certainly, there are situations when someone(s) can rectify the problem. In other circumstances only God can heal the wound. Kindness and compassion during such difficult times are some of the greatest gifts.

Some suffer from wounds so tremendous they will never be completely healed. Certainly, if the affliction is minor enough, in time the anguish will heal. Others are so unfathomable and the duration of life so brief, there is no time for healing. These are the impairments which only God can mend.

However, your words of compassion can do much for the broken hearted. The cliché of “if you can’t say something positive, say nothing at all” is imperative for the one whom is hurting. Proverbs 16:24 NLT Kind words are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body

Have you ever had an extremely emotionally debilitating situation? Perhaps it was the loss of a child, mate or parent. Perhaps it was the loss of your home by way of a natural disaster or fire. Or perhaps you were in a horrific accident which left you severely injured or handicapped. The list goes on and on. When persons ask about you, you may share, for that situation has now imprinted you.

There are those individuals whom you meet that tell you to “shake it off”, “get over it”, etc. You may be trying diligently to overcome the situation, but it has drastically altered your life. An article in Psychology Today reminds us that “the process of sorting out our feelings when something is hurtful or destructive happens is a long one and will need support. That support does not include people suggesting this is a trial which will make us stronger-or any other clichés of that ilk.” Have you ever had someone say, “don’t you think it’s time to move on?”  Such indifference suggests “that grief, mourning or recovery come with a use-by-date stamp. No one except the person suffering loss can decide when the moment is right to move on.” The gift of empathy is not judgmental.

If you don’t want to hear what someone has to share, then distance yourself from them. Egotistical sarcasm only brings the person enduring the heartache more sorrow. What if God had harsh judgement toward you when you shared your burdens with Him? I Thess. 5:11 (NIV) Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as  fact you are doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you awaken each day seeking how you might help another? Seldom do any of us do this. However, I do pray frequently that if God has someone for me to be an encouragement to that He will place them on my path so that I can be a “light” to them. A couple of weeks ago I was given this opportunity during one of my volunteer ministries. As I reached out to a person in need, with tears in her eyes, she said I was her angel.

I reminded her that,” no, she was a blessing for me.” I then shared with her my frequent prayer. What a joy it was when she proclaimed that she was jubilant she was the recipient of God’s blessing that day. We never know what someone is experiencing when they walk across our path. We might share only a short “hello” and a smile on the elevator or in a line at the store.  That warm and genuine greeting and smile might be their only “light” for the entire day.

In one of Chuck Swindoll’s recent devotions, he shares about someone whom wrote numerous well-known songs but died an unknown drunken bum. He was only 38 when he died alone with a slashed throat. Nobody cared for he was to them, merely an unknown.  What if someone could have been a “light” to him. Would he have been a bum? Would he have been left starving only to be murdered? The gift of caring for and about others even if only for a few minutes of your day, can possibly make the difference in their path for the remainder of their lives. NKJ Hebrews13:1-2 Let brotherly love continue. ² Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels.

As I read one of my devotions today, I thought of my own life and how often lies or even hiding the truth has brought me such great emotional pain from those whom were not honest. Charles Stanley said “Why is it so easy to lie? Telling a falsehood is something we all did as children, but lying can trip up even longtime Christians. The underlying motive for giving in to deception is usually a desire to protect ourselves in some way. We lie to get out of trouble, to avoid an unwanted situation, to profit financially, to receive acceptance, to bolster our image, to hide our flaws, or for other self-serving reasons”.  Even if you feel you can hide indefinitely, the truth will almost always be revealed. When it is, the pain you may have caused will be far greater than if you had been honest from the on-set. The betrayal by knowing you were not only deceptive, but had tried to hide it for years, exacerbates the dishonesty. Giving the gift of honesty can be more valuable that being deceptive. Proverbs 11:3 (NKJV)³ The integrity of the upright will guide them, But the perversity of the unfaithful will destroy them.