As I sat in the choir with my few, but dedicated fellow “masked singers”, I suddenly felt a pang of jealousy. As I observed a situation, my heart continued to increase with sadness as to why God had never answered my prayer.
As we departed the choir loft to take our seat in our chosen pew, I prayed for God’s forgiveness of being jealous. Even though my mind wandered about the “assumption”, I heeded the pastor’s words that no matter how often we believe God has forgotten us, His timing and plans are perfect. Even when the pastor said we need to let go of the past for God’s future for us is far better, I was internally crying. His plans may not be “perfect” to us, for if I truly accepted His plans as “perfect”, would I have been feeling “self-pity” during my choir observation?
Yet, for the duration of the sermon, I continued to ponder as to why God had refused to answer my prayer for something which He speaks so clearly of in His word. What I desire is not selfish, but good and righteous, yet then why is God withholding it? Genesis 2:18 NIV states, “the Lord God said, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” I knew this scripture was referring to Adam, but what about me? I’ve heard more than one bible study leader recommend that we make scripture personal to us. Thus, I could say, It is not good for Jane to be alone…I will make a helper suitable for her.” I’ve been waiting for decades for that suitable helper.
As I observe individuals that have not one, but two, three or even four helpmates, then I was perplexed, why I couldn’t have even one? Now at the end of my life, I had prayed for years for God to send me a helpmate, but it wasn’t meant to be. So here I sat, in church having a pity party. I love being in church; hearing God’s words and being reminded of His love for each of us. Now I was querying why I was still alone?
At the conclusion of the service as each of us left the sanctuary, I suddenly realized my assumptions had been in error. I reflected on what a bible study leader noted a couple years ago- our imaginations are sometimes our greatest enemy. We assume things to be the truth-yet often we don’t have all the facts. It doesn’t mean God has not given “my desire” to the other member, but what I observed is not what I assumed. The “helpmate” I believed God had sent her, was actually the helpmate of another. When she had taken his hand in a gesture of love, my “human-ness” took over. I’m still praying and waiting! NKJ Psalm 27:14, Wait on the Lord, Be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart. Wait I say on the Lord.”