A Borrowed Gift

From the time I was a young girl until days before I married in my twenties, I delighted in the moments I could baby sit.  I longed for the days I could be a mother. I had love for my children long before God chose them for me. My mother had shared numerous times during my childhood that she didn’t desire to be a mother, but it was “her duty.”  As a result, for the duration of my life I felt the pangs of knowing I was not loved, but merely tolerated. All those years of never having love from my own parents was “saved” for my then husband and any children God would “gift” us with.

I was beginning to believe God was not going to bless us with a family. I spent countless hours praying for children. My prayer was solely for healthy babies. The 1970s was a time where the majority of all babies were a “surprise.” Ultra sound for determining the gender and reveal parties to share with family and friends, would be in the future, but not when God opened His arms to present our children.

 God’s plans are perfect even when they seem so imperfect at times. When our daughter was a few months old, God brought us another “gift.” Our children would be a little over a year apart. However, God’s plans were to take that life to be with Him. I grieved the loss of that baby.

But God with His perfect ways, brought us a new blessing less than two years later.  When I heard, “It’s a boy”,   the joy I had was beyond words. My knees seemed raw at times, from kneeling in prayer for a son and a daughter. Even though healthy babies were far more important than the gender, I desired to experience the joy in rearing a boy and a girl or boys and girls. I would have loved to have more than two children, but like the entirety of my life, that was not God’s plans for me.

As I was conversing with someone recently, God didn’t give us parents or children to like or dislike. He gave us family to love and cherish; people that will be there for us no matter what comes. If only we could have mulligans for children rearing, perhaps things would be different when they become adults.

Yet, life and circumstances bring us trials and challenges we never expected and certainly could not foresee.  My love for each of my children is as great today, as the day the nurse placed, that beautiful, perfect, innocent newborn baby in my arms. And so today, I say Happy Birthday Dearest Son. I knew from the day I held you, that you were a borrowed gift. God allowed me to be your mother, but I dedicated you to Him. You are always in my heart and prayers, as you are truly one of the greatest gifts God gave me. James 1:17 NIV, Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights…”

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