Category: Domestic violence

Our pastor urged me to seek solace away from Charles until our marital situation could improve.  My one bed-room apartment was roach infested in a very frightening part of town, but it was all I could afford. I took my daughter and son-in-law to help me move a bed, small table, a couple of chairs and some of my personal effects from our large marital home. Charles barricaded the passageway, as he touted it was “his house” and “his things” and I was taking nothing. I was seeking only the basic items to exist in a barren apartment.

He also refused access to my clothing and personal items. Even though some of the furniture were heirlooms from my family, I was still prevented from taking even a bed.  Charles cited I could take two sports chairs and a card table from the garage. My daughter loaned me a bed. As days passed, I was desperate.

I sent an e-mail to the city of Ft. Worth inquiring about the legality of panhandling, as I had passed countless panhandlers on the city streets.  I noted, I didn’t wish to break the law, but I was desperate, explaining my circumstances. The mayor of Ft. Worth, whom I will be grateful to, for the remainder of my life, Mr. Michael Moncrief, personally contacted me. He informed me that panhandling was illegal. I told him that I had no desire to break the law, but merely to find a way to survive.

The gift he gave me that day, was when he noted I was a victim of domestic violence and I needed to go to Women’s Haven in Ft. Worth, ASAP. I did and the rest is history. I never realized how abused I was until I became a client at what would become my “life saver.” I received a gift of support and understanding from the counseling at Women’s Haven. I couldn’t change Charles’ heart or attitude toward me, but I would come to better understand then and many years later, that his actions were and are typical of abusers.

When my car was broken down at the side of the road, even as Charles’ wife, he refused to come to my aid. At the time I had no roadside assistance plan.  I made multiple telephone calls until I found someone to assist me. The comprehension for many victims of domestic violence is surviving solo becomes impossible.

My reality was if I wanted to survive, I had no choice but to return to my husband and home. I continued to hope, pray and believe that the love I had for him then and the previous 35 years, would override his desire to abuse.  My love was not enough.

I was reminded yet again during my recent training to volunteer at our local domestic violence center, it’s all about control. Abusers will do anything they can to control their victims. I would realize 8 years later that I could no longer fight the battle. As the staff of Palomar has reminded us, “we protect the things we love.”

Charles ultimate abuse was his betrayal of beginning an affair while I was his wife. The other abuses during our marriage were minuscule in comparison to learning the truth behind his abandonment of me after our 44 year marriage. I learned of his mistress six years later. He proudly touted, he had never loved me, but that he had needed me so he would be successful in his career.

I then realized, that is why he never protected me. Ephesians 4:2-3 NKJ, “with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.”

 

 

I just wanted to reiterate to my blog readers, this series on DV is not about being a victim. It is about being grateful I survived and doing so with blessings and gratitude. I cling to Jer. 29:11 for child abuse and DV is not pretty. It’s horrific, but I chose to overcome and not be a victim. Yes, I’m sad and grieve that I never had parents or a husband that loved me. However, I also know that God knows this and He will receive the glory. This blog is also to remind each reader  if you know of someone going through this, I can only urge you to be there for them. Victims of abuse need support, not criticism.

As Focus Ministries states, “would you recognize violence and abuse if they occurred in your relationship or in your church? Because abuse can be subtle and can be denied, many people do not recognize it at first.”  As I shared in part 4 of this blog, I frequently reached out to fellow church members for prayer and support. Our frequent moves with Charles’ desire for career changes did not permit me to have enduring friendships. Consequently, I had no one whom I could turn to when I needed prayer and support.  Thus, I believed some in my own church congregation would be willing to not only “hear me” but,  pray with me.

Not only did many not believe my cries for help, the majority went to Charles immediately with my pleas; causing the abuse to escalate. Even today, 7 years after he left me, he is still using the gossiping of church members years ago, to continue emotional abuse against me. For 44 years and beyond, Charles denied he was abusive. The validations from counselors, the numerous books I purchased on DV and even the bible studies on such behavior in marriage fell on deaf ears with Charles.

I can’t recall any of our pastors whom I did not seek prayer from. Even though I was in counseling, I desired spiritual support from the leader of our congregation. As with church members, most of the pastors disbelieved my concerns. However, during our 44-year marriage, the four pastors whom did sincerely believe me were a blessing. I knew they were praying with and for me.

My prayers never changed. I so greatly desired our marriage would be healed and Charles would love me. It was a prayer God chose not to answer. For six years after his betrayal, Charles confided that he never truly loved me. I then understood his frequent words during our marriage “if only I were single”, and “I married to be successful in my career” were valid.

Realizing I remained in a marriage which would never be healed and loving a man that never loved me was another emotional element of the abuse. Why couldn’t Charles have the integrity to tell me years ago he had no desire for me? Despite the words from pastors to “remain in the marriage, no matter what the circumstances or outcome”, we could each have parted ways with perhaps the opportunity for a new life. Charles had begun planning a new life long before he left me, but I continued to believe that I would be at his side when we passed from this life.

When I learned of the fact, he had never loved me, I also learned of his affair which began during our marriage. No matter how intense the abuse during the marriage, the realization of such betrayal while I was his wife opened the deep and painful emotional scar. James 4:1-2 ESV, “What causes quarrels…among you? Is it not this that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have…You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.”