Category: Domestic violence

It need not be a grandiose gesture or gift which requires a word or note of appreciation. A simple kindness can be as cherished and with such value as an expensive gift. Why then are so many acts “expected” or “taken for granted?” Some of my most treasured gifts of thoughtfulness were those I never expected. Gustavo Razzetti, “life doesn’t owe you anything. Appreciation means stop taking everything for granted.”

For the past eight years I have spent holidays, birthdays and special events alone. A little past 7:00 a.m. on my birthday in 2019, the doorbell rang. I was perplexed as I was new to the area, residing in a small rental house away from all which was familiar. I had a few acquaintances, but no friends. When I opened the door, it was joy beyond measure. Someone I had met in church only a few months prior knew it was my birthday. She realized, I would be spending it alone and wanted me to know she was thinking of me.

She drove over 40 miles round trip to tell me she cared.  That single act of kindness has brought me smiles and exultation for over a year. It will last for years to come. Someone went out of their way to let me know I mattered. I was overjoyed to send my gratitude for such a magnificent act of benevolence.

As Peter Bregman cites, “saying “thank you” is mostly an emotional act. It connects one person to another. Saying “thank you” doesn’t just acknowledge someone’s effort, thoughtfulness, intent or action. It acknowledges the person himself.”

The person that chooses to disregard the kindness granted them by another, is indirectly saying “I have far greater value than you. You don’t deserve to be thanked.” Mr. Bergman also notes, “it doesn’t take long to say, “thank you”, but it does take caring.” I can’t agree more. If someone cared enough to proffer a kindness, the recipient should care enough to return a “thank you.”

Years ago, a relative informed me that I spend more time and money on a thank you note and stamp than was spent on the actual gift. Additionally, she informed me, she was taught you don’t have to offer a “thank you” to family. How the words of my mother-in-law, Alta echoed in my mind and heart when I heard that.  Alta noted, she didn’t believe in having things “only for guests”, as her family was more significant than any guest in her home.

Her words from over fifty years ago were imprinted on my heart and mind. Why then if we could thank others for kindheartedness toward us, would we not give our family the same courtesy? I agree there have been times the cost of the note and postage were greater than the gift. However, I have always believed when anyone does something “from their heart” it is a gift whose value is incalculable.

I Thess. 5:18 NKJ “In everything give thanks for this is the will of God…” TO BE CONTINUED!

My journey of gratitude and appreciation began at a young age; even before I entered school. My earliest memory of showing thankfulness was from my maternal, widowed grandmother who didn’t own even a home nor automobile. Her entire wealth consisted solely of a few dishes, pieces of furniture, clothing and accessories.  Widowed in her thirties with two young children, she instilled in her children and then her grandchildren that people aren’t obligated to offer kindness to others. When they do, such gifts must always be received with gratitude.

My grandmother’s financial funds were meager as a live-in care giver for a widower, residing in a rural OH community. During my infrequent outings to visit Grandma, occasionally a dairy truck making milk deliveries to the area residents stopped along his route to sell ice cream bars. If Grandma had an additional nickel; the cost of these treats, she would indulge me. However, I have always recalled the realization this treat might be rescinded if I failed to offer the two words Grandma was seeking. She looked at me with her stern, glaring eyes and said, “what do you say?” Initially, I was clueless.  When Grandma said, “you will get this ice cream only if you say, “thank you.” I rapidly learned the significance of this short, but invaluable phrase.

“Thank you”, two words which can impart tremendous power. When not granted, their absence can cause hurt feelings and emotions which may linger for years. As I began my research on the expectations of offering thanks, I was delighted to discern, my intense opinion of anyone not granting appreciation is embraced by many. Studies and research have been conducted by psychologists, sociologists, clergy and countess others as to the positive and negative effects of both receiving and withholding thankfulness toward others. Due to the vast information on this subject, this topic will be covered over several writings.

Most of us don’t extend kindnesses to others as a mode of receiving, “thank you”. Yet, we are frequently taken aback that our benevolence is expected rather than received as a gift. Recently, I presented kindness to an individual not once, but twice within less than 48 hours.  I purchased a ticket for this individual to attend the second event which resulted in receiving several lovely gifts. When she learned she would be receiving an additional gift at the conclusion, she rapidly departed to be the first in line for another “freebie.” Yet, now weeks later, there has never been a word of appreciation.

K. Deal when citing whether or not a person was taught such manners, noted, “saying thank you is a courtesy that one can learn. Secondly, why don’t you thank others? Are you too entitled to say thank you? Are you too lazy to say thank you?…not saying thank you is rude, unacceptable, and extremely irritating. Not saying thank you shows a lack of compassion and appreciation for the people around you.”

I Thess. 5:18 NKJ, “in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God…” TO BE CONTINUED

Raindrops keep falling from my eyes. Yes, for as long as I recall, my tears have flowed easily and abundantly. I cry when I’m extremely happy and certainly when I’m sad. I weep at weddings and cry when I see a newborn baby. I’ve shed countless tears over people being mistreated and when I see animals abused.

Are my tear drops a sign of weakness? Some would say yes, but I have thanked God countless times that He gave me the emotions to care so deeply for others. However, I recall being counseled upon accepting a new position at a small, family, owned company that tears would cause a prompt termination. It was cited tears were such a significant sign of weakness that the family’s church denomination forbade any of their members from allowing even one tear to fall.

Whenever I felt I might cry, I immediately removed myself from the room. I will forever remember receiving a telephone call while at work and being unable to control the tears. As the owner of the company and his mother sat a few yards away, I was fighting the tears as diligently as I could, but they fell. I was hoping by quickly wiping them away, it would save my job, but it didn’t. As promised, I was terminated instantly. To them, I was fainthearted. It didn’t matter what experience I had or that I had endured years of difficulty and was indeed a very strong and determined individual. They concluded those tears were a determent and I was a liability.

As I recently sat during my quiet time, Chuck Swindoll’s words in his devotion leapt off the page, shouting to me as I read them, “tears have a language all their own, needing no interpreter. In some mysterious way, our inner-communication system knows its verbal limitations and the tears come.  Eyes that flashed and sparkled moments before are flooded.”

“Tears are not self-conscious. They can spring upon us when we are in public or standing beside others who look to us for strength.  Tears may flow during the singing of a majestic hymn or when lost in some nostalgic memory or wrestling in soul searching prayer. Did you know that God takes special notice of your tears?”

“A teardrop on earth summons the King of heaven. Rather than being ashamed or disappointed, the Lord takes note when our hard times are oiled by tears. He turns these situations into moments of tenderness. He never forgets the crisis of our lives when tears were shed. One of the great drawbacks of our society is its’ reluctance to show tears.”

Thank you Chuck for this reminder. I have never felt shame at my tears. I have however been embarrassed at times that they flow as freely as they do, but most people understand these are truly God’s raindrops.

Psalms 56:8 NLT “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.”

Windows with bright sunlight reflecting off the softly colored walls, fresh, fragrant flowers, table top fountains bubbling with soothing sounds, captivating music, bottles of complimentary water or freshly brewed tea or coffee, numerous current periodicals, televisions viewing current inspiring programs and  warm, welcoming staff-could any environment be more hospitable? What if you were welcomed to a room void of windows, any sound except for voices among those also waiting, drab walls without a single painting or picture and disinterested staff?

Two different waiting rooms; two different experiences. The subject of God’s “waiting room” is a common theme in devotions and sermons. Even though pastors and authors are composing examples about God’s timing in our lives, there are paths to make the “waiting” more tolerable.

If we are waiting in a beautiful room; one which is filled with friends and family,  joy, rather than disappointment, the “wait” is more unobjectionable. However, if our wait for God’s time is in a barren room; one which is challenging, perplexing and filled with sorrow, the wait is more arduous.

Even though these are not physical rooms, but circumstances and times of our lives, we can accept the “wait” as a time of learning and blessing. While awaiting God’s calendar, we can seek the lesson to be learned during this wait. For every adult person, there has been a “waiting room” during our lives and perhaps there will be numerous others before our life ends.

We can complain, become angry, accuse others around us of our circumstances or accept the pause in our life and seek the consecrations of that time. Some of these delays are weeks, months or perhaps years. In some circumstances, God chooses to never remove us from the “waiting room.” It becomes permanent until death. I was in a waiting room for over four decades, always hoping, praying and believing. Then God removed me from His first waiting room to place me in another; now over eight years.

I’ve realized that no amount of pleading with God, crying out to Him in emotional and/or physical tears releases me from His desire to keep me in the “room” He has set aside for me. Sometimes we feel His “waiting room” is unfair and certainly far too lengthy for our desires. Even though we may have never been imprisoned in a physical jail, there are times the “waiting room” feels as constricting and offensive as though we were behind corporal bars.

When we learn to adopt this as a time for growth, increased understanding and grace the waiting room becomes a gift. I will be the first to admit, it isn’t undemanding. It is quite demanding. It necessitates our acquiescence during this time of waiting; whether in a beautiful room or one which is appalling. When God opens the door and frees us; there will be nothing but beauty awaiting.

Isaiah 40:31 NKJ, “But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are now almost one twelfth of the way into our new year; 2020. Do we truly have clear vision? Did we make traditional New Year’s resolutions? Has the treadmill become a clothes rack? Is the bicycle gathering dust? Have we overindulged on foods we vowed to eliminate or reduce in our dietary intake?

Instead of making a resolution; a firm decision to do or not to do something, how about making a commitment to do something? We have over eleven months ahead of us to see clearly. What would happen to our self-worth if instead of trying to eliminate additional body weight, we eradicated the burden of anger and grudges against situations or persons that have been causing us disappointment, grief or unhappiness?

What would the outcome be if instead of vowing to increase our exercise regimen, we pledged to add  joy to someone’s life that was dealing with adversity? I recently watched a movie whereby the medical staff went above and beyond making a young dying patient’s last hours filled with exultation and happiness. Even though the patient didn’t survive long enough to have lingering memories, the medical staff had the realization and memories they brought tremendous bliss to this dying patient’s final journey.

Have you ever conversed with someone whom hours or perhaps days later was deceased.? This happened to me several years ago. I invited a young woman to lunch who had been in my life decades earlier. I realized she was unhappy and I earnestly tried to encourage her. Less than a month later, her life was over. I grieved for days over her loss; wondering if there were something I could have said or done differently which might have altered the outcome. However, I gave the gift of caring and compassion, even if only briefly.

What kind of impact do kind words make when someone is despondent?  Recently I sent a short e-mail to a member in my connection group at church. I didn’t understand the impact it would make until I received a return reply that I had sincerely encouraged them.

My life began at an early age with challenges and heartaches which many will never experience. It is my desire these hardships will be a testimony for God’s glory. I’ve queried Him often as to what He desires I do with the struggles He’s placed on my life’s path.

It may be merely no more than a hug or a compassionate word that you have empathy for another’s despair. I’ve been reminded frequently that we should never tell someone we “understand” their sorrows, for each of us endure our own unique grief. Yet we have 2020 vision when we show someone we care.

Instead of resolving we will lose weight, exercise more or even make more money, why not allow our 2020 vision to eliminate unkindness and anger and fill our hearts with concern for others? Proverbs 10:12 NIV, “hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”

 

Recently someone was sharing the icon they have on their phone; a man holding his nose with one hand, while grasping a bag of trash in the other, labeled 2019. Some may feel the past year was worse than the one ahead. Whereas, that is a positive outlook for a new year, aren’t some of the memories of the past year ones which fill our hearts with joy?

Perhaps last year held the memories of a lost job, lost home, a lost marriage or lost loved ones. Yet you may not have lost anything, but only gained.  Additionally, you have memories of family outings, vacations, birthdays, graduations or weddings. You have your health and the freedom to enjoy your family, career, hobbies and interests of life. Yet why was the previous year one to be shunned?

Even if hardships were placed on our path, should an entire chapter of our life be considered refuse? What is God teaching us with these challenges? If we could re-write our life’s book, what chapters would we remove, and which would remain? When I think of my own life, there are many things when I would have used a mulligan; a do-over”, but others though painful had lessons God desired I learn.

My life’s challenges have allowed me to now volunteer to organizations and people dealing with tremendous obstacles. Specifically, thinking of the experiences of this past year which had an impact on my life, one was returning to a community I so greatly desire to leave. As I have shared in previous blogs when I moved to TX in the fall of 2018, I had remarkable faith my OK house would sell so I could remain there, but God said, “no.”

I returned to OK with a burdensome heart, but with the realization this was another component of my life’s book; God’s plan for 2019. I left my church in TX which welcomed me and became family during my six-month residency. I grappled with which church God chose for me upon my return. Even though I visited several where I had been a member, I didn’t feel it was “my church.”

As I attended a local community party, a fellow church member who had been in my home often in previous years, invited me to resume my role  at the church, I called “home” for many years. God gave me the answer; return.  Yes, God truly speaks to us through others.

If I looked through the “peep hole” of my door of 2019, there was some trash which needed to be discarded. I chose to look through the bright, picture window to see budding trees and flowers from 2019 that will burst forth in full bloom from the beauty of God’s plan for me. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Perhaps the chestnuts are not roasting, nor do you have a sleigh with ringing bells. It may not be cold or snowy for a white Christmas. For most however, you are with family or close friends. Some are totally alone today; their family lives too far away or are no longer with them. The friends are scattered, so they spend their holiday in isolation. What about those whose family live close by and yet choose to exclude their loved ones?

For over four decades, when the Thanksgiving table had been cleared and the annual football games began, I was well underway with my plans and preparations for the Christmas holiday.  Aside from the gift shopping and wrapping, there was the baking to share with family, friends and neighbors.

For many years, custom making Christmas gifts or holiday outfits for my children was as much a tradition as the sugar cookies and fudge. Although my budget was limited in those early years, my desire to provide “perfect as possible” memories was limitless. I have always believed my time and effort were the greatest gifts I could give to others, with my family being the largest recipient.

My desire to share God’s love with others is a gift I’ve offered graciously. It has allowed me to invite more than one guest to our dinner table when I realized they were spending the holiday alone. However, for eight years while my children, their families and my then husband, Charles celebrate with one another, I’ve been alone.

Because I had spent another Thanksgiving alone less than a month earlier, I began praying earnestly that God would not allow a repeat performance.  Countless times I have volunteered at homeless shelters or community dinners, but it has become emotionally difficult; always a reminder of my seclusion.

I didn’t know if my prayer would be answered “yes” or perhaps “dittoed” as the others. God hadn’t caused my family to exclude me, but He allowed it. I always realized there was a reason which only God understood. As my pastor reminded me last year; the more I’m alone the closer God and I become.

As I casually walked into Starbucks on December 17^th and met a total stranger, he queried of my holiday plans.  Sharing I would be alone, his reply was more rapid than a cheetah chasing his prey. “Oh no, you will be with my family. There is no need to be alone.”

I was tearful, as I had given this gift to others and now God was giving it to me. I would spend Christmas with him and his family in a nearby town. I didn’t hesitate, even though I knew nothing about this man whom I had met only minutes earlier. I realized this was God’s reply, so no reason to be disquieted. Matt. 25:35 NKJ, “…you gave me food; I was thirsty, and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you took me in.”

Do you remember your first? Tall, short, slim or full? Noble, Scotch or fir?  Was it in your first apartment as a single professional, or perhaps as a newlywed?  Over the years I’ve heard countless stories from those sharing their memories of their first Christmas tree.

The sixties offered little variety for artificial trees. There was a sparkling aluminum or a live tree, but the artificial, green trees were rare. If you were among those “in vogue” the “color wheel” was a required accessory for an aluminum tree.  Select monochromatic solid, baubles, sparsely hung on the branches, plug in the color wheel and “oh la la” you might have been chosen to be in Architectural Digest.

One of the most elegant trends may have been the full, flocked trees; designed to add a winter element for even desert dwellers. If you couldn’t afford to have the tree professionally flocked, the options of “flocking in a can” were readily available for any budget.

For my then husband, Charles and me our sixties tree, was a relatively short, but very full scotch pine; my first tree purchased from rows of aromatic firs and pines. Unlike my own children, Charles and I brought no ornaments from trees of our youth.

Our barren tree necessitated a trip to the local discount store. The horizon of baubles and lights was more limiting in the 1960’s. Nonetheless, it was exciting to peruse the aisles of Christmas decorations to “make a statement” for our first tree.

The tree would be bedecked in red; ornaments and lights. The red paper and plaid bows for the gifts beneath completed the “just right” look. Those original lights and decorations remained until God blessed is with the best Christmas gifts possible; our children. As they received ornaments, the solid red, glistening balls soon found safety tucked away in a box. The “baby’s first Christmas, rocking horses, toy soldiers and fairy princesses took their regal position on our tree.

My children’s and grandchildren’s trees are filled with memorable ornaments from parents and grandparents. Scattered among those cherished “Hallmark” ornaments or those reminiscent of family travels, are the special “one of a kind” handmade treasures.

I oohed over many of my children’s handmade ornaments as they carefully removed them from their boxes. I ponder often over these cherished gifts.  Do donors whom so affectionately created these realize that decades later these gems still hold an esteemed position among the other more costly adornments?

As I shared previously, this is the first year in the past 52 years that my house is barren of Christmas decorations except the tree; displaying dozens of ornaments from places visited and memories lived. Each is special, but one which brings an abundance of tears is an ornament bestowed to Charles and me in commemoration of our 25^th wedding anniversary.

It was a gift from a beautiful young lady whom God called to be one of his angels when she was only 19. The ornament holds our “engagement picture”. For the past eight years as I’ve removed that ornament, I’ve wondered if I should display it for the memories open the “floodgate” of tears. Yes, I do for the memories of that time were a huge chapter of my life. As I behold each ornament, I think of I Cor. 13:13 NIV”…But the greatest of these is love.” Jesus is truly the “reason for this season.”

 

 

I had planned to continue sharing about some of our holiday traditions. However, as I read my devotions today, the author spoke of David’s cries and pleas to God. Even though David became a great king, his life was also filled with much tragedy. In Psalms he cried out to God for mercy. Patricia Raybon writes, “David didn’t let his own limits, including sin, stop him from going to God with his need…He’s ready to hear us, especially when we need Him most.”

I realize for many this isn’t the most joyous time of the year. It is a time filled with needs greater than desires.  In our own community last week there was the announcement that over 800 individuals were losing their jobs. When you multiply that by the family members for each of these employees that is several thousand people whose Christmas was altered in only a matter of minutes.

In many of those homes, the trees were bedecked with bight baubles and lights and beneath they were laden with gifts. Now the family budget may be strained from purchasing these gifts. The plans of traveling to visit family may necessitate they remain home. Preparation for the large holiday meal may be altered because of a trip to the local food pantry.

In another home, a visit to the doctor provides a diagnosis of a terminal illness or a life altering disease.  A mother gives birth to a long-awaited child only to realize that precious baby has a serious birth defect. Her child will never be able to run and play with others. As sirens shriek, rescuers race to the auto accident only to realize they are too late; it was fatal.

Hundreds of lives are impacted daily by what occurs in a second. For we all realize within a minute, within those 60 seconds, our lives can go from what was our routine; our normal to being permanently changed and for some destruction beyond repair.

Each of us know someone or we have experienced our own “in a moment” experience which has permanently altered our lives. What do we do? How are we going to continue? Some situations which are traumatic now bring change to our lives, which may genuinely be a gift from God. A lost job can change our future with blessings beyond description. The new job which was God’s gift may provide the family more than ever envisioned. For others the change is so great, their lives will never resume normalcy.

In my own life, it was words which took only seconds to speak, yet negated the past 52 years of my life and amended any future years God will grant me.  Even though God does not always will such events of our lives, He allows them. We must then decide how we will handle the circumstances bestowed upon us. Psalm 6:9 NIV, “The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer.”

“Stop throwing it. Place a strand on each limb individually.” Those were my mother’s words (paraphrased from decades ago). For my siblings and me, we were hopeful the “Tinsel grinch” might have stolen it from the attic. Yet alas there it was! If you are a “boomer” or older, you will recall those long, often tangled, pieces of tinsel.  As my siblings and I tried  to “hurry up the process by adding a “glob”, mother always “caught us.”

Year after year as our Dad went to attic to retrieve the tattered box of ornaments and lights , there were always a few “rodent gifts.”  I would shriek and jump back while Dad quickly reprimanded me, that I was larger than the mice and they were more afraid of me, than I of them. Dad, never had that fact correct, for I was petrified of mice and rats which made weekly visits to our small, meager house.

As a poor family, we never had a  carefully selected tree from the local tree lot or nursery. Ours was plucked from the native firs which graced the side of Oklahoma country roads. They were never pretty, but it was God’s gift to us. The decision on which tree would be hewn, was made with precise deliberation; one closet to the road and the easiest to cut down with a small hand saw. Thus, the trees were never large and took little time to decorate, with the exception of the labor intensive, individual embellishment of tinsel strands.

As we took each old, fragile, glass ornament from the musty cardboard box, it was seldom there wasn’t one which wasn’t missing much of the glaze or paint; most often exposed glass with minimal embellishment.  Nonetheless the tree of my youth was beautiful to us. How I would cherish one of those ornaments from those trees, but after our parents ceased setting up a tree, I never again saw the ornaments.

Perhaps the greatest beauty of those trees of yesteryear, was the bubble lights. When I visited my brother a couple of years ago during their Christmas celebration (in February upon the arrival of my nephew from his 3^rd deployment to the middle east), I was enthralled to see the bubble lights on their family tree. Yes, my sister-in-law purchased those for him; nostalgia. I felt my heart bound a little more intensely as I recalled those scraggly, but “beautiful to us” trees of our youth.

Decorating a Christmas tree, no matter the size, nor the variety or cost brings joy to families. It is a reminder that God has given each of us another year of life and blessings. In 2004, Pope John Paul said “the Christmas tree exalts the value of life, as in winter what is evergreen becomes a sign of undying life, and it reminds Christians of the “tree of life”.  Psalm 96:12, NKJ “Let the field be joyful, and all that is in it. Then all the trees of the woods will rejoice.”